Archive for the ‘political humor’ Category

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UNITED STATES (The Borowitz Report)—Millions of Tea Party loyalists fled the United States in the early morning hours today, seeking what one of them called “the American dream of liberty from health care.”

Harland Dorrinson, 47, a tire salesman from Lexington, Kentucky, packed up his family and whatever belongings he could fit into his Chevy Suburban just hours before the health-insurance exchanges opened, joining the Tea Party’s Freedom Caravan with one goal in mind: escape from Obamacare.

“My father didn’t have health care and neither did my father’s father before him,” he said. “I’ll be damned if I’m going to let my children have it.”

But after driving over ten hours to the Canadian border, Mr. Dorrinson was dismayed to learn that America’s northern neighbor had been in the iron grip of health care for decades.

“The border guard was so calm when he told me, as if it was the most normal thing in the world,” he said. “It’s like he was brainwashed by health care.”

Turning away from Canada, Mr. Dorrinson joined a procession of Tea Party cars heading south to Mexico, noting, “They may have Photo2drug cartels and narcoterrorism down there, but at least they’ve kept health care out.”

Mr. Dorrinson was halfway to the southern border before he heard through the Tea Party grapevine that Mexico, too, has public health care, as do Great Britain, Japan, Turkey, Spain, Belgium, New Zealand, Slovenia, and dozens of other countries to which he had considered fleeing.

Undaunted, Mr. Dorrinson said he had begun looking into additional countries, like Chad and North Korea, but he expressed astonishment at a world seemingly overrun by health care.

“It turns out that the United States is one of the last countries on earth to get it,” he said. “It makes me proud to be an American.”

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What many are seeing as an incredibly bold move, Michele Bachmann introduced H.R. 22973 today, also known as the “Make Gay People Stop Dressing So Silly Act of 2013.”

The bill states:

All people identifying as homosexual must begin mimicking the appearance of heterosexual members of their community, who are of the same sex, or face a fine of up to $5,000 or 1 year in prison

The bill is expected to pass the Republican House of representatives with overwhelming support. House Speaker Boehner (R-OH) called the bill “the most important piece of legislation we are going to pass this year, since we really have no intention of passing any other type of legislation before the election anyway”.

Majority Leader Eric Cantor (R-VA) said “stopping the homosexual agenda from spreading is really the number one thing American families are talking about, when they’re sitting around the dinner table discussing these types of things”.

Responding to critics who say the bill is homophobic, Michele Bachmann made the following statement;

Many men living the gay lifestyle are trying force and ram their views down our throats by dressing the way that they do. There are plenty of recovered gay men who are perfectly capable of dressing like heterosexuals, some that you would never even suspect, even if you were married to them for 23 years. You might not even know that they are a member of the gay lifestyle until the media starts pointing out little things that you never noticed before. But that’s not the point, the point is that these people are more than capable of dressing like normal Minnesota folks, and I think the rest of America agrees.

Many on the left are objecting to a provision in the bill which would make possession of glitter a misdemeanor, and “glittering” a politician a felony punishable with a maximum sentence of life in prison.

NOM calls this bill “a major victory in correcting the mistake of ‘Political Correctness’, which America made in the 1900s”.

From my friends at the satirical Freewood Post…Click HERE for more silliness!

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images-74I get it now!  Gay marriage and marijuana being legalized on the same day.

Leviticus 20:13 – “If a man lays with another man he should be stoned.”

We’ve just been interpreting it wrong all these years!

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Click here for the Tea Party’s plot to undermine our government
Click here to learn something about the deficit that only 6% of Americans seem to know